fin »

coac will be no more; please visit obhession.

coming soon »

a new obsession ... hes style.

pervs of a feather »

my friend just called me.

gillian: hey, what's up? [pause] are you having sex?

yes, gillian. i was having sex, but you know, given the choice between a missed call and coitus interruptus, clearly i sprang to answer the phone.

gaw my friends are perverts.

if anybody pulls the 'birds of a feather' card i will beat their asses.

invest in beano! »

i desperately need to move out of this apartment and get one of my own (or one with bobby which might turn out to be quite an awful idea).

having said that, i went to orlando this past weekend (hence the driving past the politically incorrect plane crash) where i had a hotel room which had a kitchenette. my first thought was, yay! i can cook and save money and not have to spend precious money on pizza delivery. then i went to the supermarket. on my way to the supermarket, i ran a stop sign and drove over a speed bump at approx. 30 mph. at the supermarket, i had my second thought, which was, wow, i don't think i know how to cook anything. so i ended up buying kraft mac n cheese (it is the cheesiest, you know). and a box of hot pockets. which were also cheesy.

i am lactose intolerant. cheese makes the bacteria in my gut happy, and it makes me fart.


on the way back from the supermarket, i drove onto the grass by mistake, cos i thought it was the road. i also missed the entrance of the hotel and turned into the exit (which was one way, by the way) and almost ran into someone coming out, upon which i had my third thought: i am so not ready for the real world.

and then i returned to my hotel room, cooked my mac n cheese, ate it, and promptly farted.

it was a small, and disheartening, preview of what life on my own would be like: craptastic driving and flatulence.

and by the way, im not going to eat the mothersucking canteloupe because it tastes like poop, and if you dont like that, you can shove it up your ass.

hooray! »

i was driving through tampa last night and i passed an adult store with the following sign:

adult movies starting at $9 95. yay!

yay indeed.

and in another instance of questionable marketing, there's this attraction called fantasy of flight off of i-4 between tampa and orlando. and its sign on i-4 consists of a plane crashed nose-first into the ground with 'fantasy of flight' painted on its wings.

oooh and i googled it, and apparently there's a body hanging from the rear of the plane, too. i hadn't noticed it; it may not be there anymore, but wtf?

it certainly demonstrates ... the fantasy of flight.



florida confuses me.

hondariffic! »

honda, while always having been one of my favorite car companies, has just confirmed its place atop my list with this car:



the honda wow concept car, a dog friendly car. it's bow wow wonderful!

if only you could see the tears of laughter running down my face.

this is the way things should be »

if you try to rob a bank, you should be forced to give a robot fellatio.



serves the dumbfuck right.

[bb]

freakishly big ... ziplocs »

this really disturbs me.

although this part amuses me.

Not recommended for use in microwave.

what kind of gigantic motherfucking microwaves do these people have???



there's something pod-peopleish about the way she's blithely carrying around this huge mofo of a ziploc bag that's big enough to eat her. plus there's something wrong in the universe when ziploc bags are big enough for not just sandwiches, but small children.

[bb]

honk honk bitch »

florida is known for its bad drivers but you really don't realize the full extent of how much they suck until you drive down here for an extended period of time. i've driven in florida a lot before, but only for like a week at a time, and mostly in more touristy areas. anyways driving here in pinellas (which, by the way, is the second most densely populated county in america, after new york county aka manhattan), i've realized just how much drivers here suck.

first of all, there is no law requiring motorcyclists to wear helmets. that, plus the preponderence of old people having mid- to end-of-life crises results in a lot of old, bad motorcyclists without helmets. morons.

second of all, there is no emissions inspection required by law down here. this means that there are old, shitty cars being driven around belching out smoke as dark as, or darker than the smoke being farted out by the chicken buses in guatemala. and i have a picture of that somewhere and it's pretty nasty.

also, in my 7 weeks down here, i've driven behind two cars whose taillights were completely out. like, wtf? both right and left, and the high-center light (the liddy light!), were completely and utterly non-functional. in my 22 years in new york and boston, i don't think i've ever driven behind a car whose taillights, all three of them, were dark. those mofos were lucky i'm smart and didn't plow into their stupid asses (snicker...).

so, what is it with floridian drivers? is there something in the water that, in addition to making it green, makes people unable to care for their cars? does the same thing that makes us so irresistable to hurricanes make us shittastic drivers? am i, as a transplanted new yorker, going to lose the skills that i so carefully cultivated for the last 5 years?

i fear for myself.

im meeeelting »

to-day at the gap i bought a sweater.

since i've moved here, the daily high has ranged from 89º to 95º. the low has averaged around, say 78º (it went all the way down to 73º one night ... brrr).

i am a moron.